Notes on a Break-Up

India and America and who will text whom first

They’re not no-contact yet or it doesn’t seem that way but its also not clear if the star-crossed sides are still texting each other either. To those who have been scrolling through India and America’s couple insta over the past year, current events must indeed seem shocking enough to go viral. Let’s remember that when the US ( Trump) first moved into their new place in February, India the good wanna-be girl friend was the first to go on a date. At that time, Indian newspapers, were calling the relationship what it had seemed for a while….a “bromance” Indeed India had been trying to seduce America for quite a while…showing up at America’s door at all the opportune moments with eyelash extensions and lip flips. When America visited India, the latter played the besotted bride wanting to hug and hold hands at every opportunity and ideally before a cheering crowd. The preening Modi tiptoed up to hug towering Trump and even enacted a sort of garland ceremony that aped at a wedding.

It is even greater irony that the end of the beginning involved even more wedding metaphors. In the first week of May, India feeling like her union with America meant it could make some power moves of her own, decided to carry out a military operation against its rival Pakistan. This would not have bothered beau Donald at all had it not been for some terrible photos err losses that basically made India looked both ugly and disobedient girl friend. First, the Pakistanis managed to shoot down five Indian jets within essentially the first 24 hours of India’s big power move. No one likes their girlfriend look like the lesser cutie on the Instagram reels of the friend group and yet this is just what seems to have happened between the two. India hosted the party and then ended up pooping on it…there was lying, ugly crying and then strong arming everyone to take the reels off.

Except of course they didn’t not especially the Pakistanis who saw an incredible opportunity to broadcast India falling flat on its face. Already embarrassed by their Lady India, America stepped in to call a truce between the two sides. Here India made its second fatal mistake…instead of lauding darling Donald and letting the whole thing go, she picked the worst possible moment to stand up for herself. She kept insisting she looked good in the pictures and it was America who was body shaming and Pakistan that was trying to drive them apart.

All of this helped bring matters to where they are today. Pakistan wasted no time in making eyes at India’s man and the latter feeling neglected. The two went on a lunch date and before long Pakistan walked away with a blue bag from Tiffany-which was broadcast on social media.

America today wants nothing to do with India any more-she leaves too much of her stuff lying around America, and her people come over too much is the refrain being sounded by Trump’s homies who never did like India in the first place. Pissed off Trump has slapped 25 percent tariffs with promises of more on India and said her economy-something India is terribly self conscious about essentially “dead.”

India is currently going through all the stages of a break up. Since denial is no longer an option she has gathered the two friends she still has ( all the attention given to America during their romance cost her some friendships) and they have convinced her that she needs to “work on herself” and “focus on being independent” and she doesn’t need America anyways. America is toxic and bossy and even abusive. When these friends go home however there is likely to be some off camera off reel and un-instagrammed ugly crying. Whether or not this will result in a 3 AM phone call begging America for forgiveness is anybody’s guess.

America-brute that he is- is back on the dating apps and distracted by the options that are available. Why did I want to date India anyway Donald is asking as he munches down a BigMac? At this moment, he simply cannot recall.